i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
this must be what syphilis tastes like
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
