dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
