someone threw a dead crab at me
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We left an ass print on the piano.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I AM VODKA MAN
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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