My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
