that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
