god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
