Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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