he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
