Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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