Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
