Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
