Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
