Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Panties = found
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