My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
