I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
