I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
