Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Your penis caused this!
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