Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
