there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
