I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
