you guys were way drunker than both of me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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