Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
