I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I want a musical about memes.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
