I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The uberlube is also flammable
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
