I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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