dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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