right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
