either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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