i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
