I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
