Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
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