The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
