Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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