I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
