How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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