What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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