i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize