a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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