I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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