sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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