I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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