I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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