Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
