can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
