john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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