I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
