Ketchup is God's man juice
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This baby is an asshole
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
