her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Randomize
