I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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