the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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