erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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