Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
