Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
