Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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