Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
