I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize