he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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