either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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